FredMcKinnon.Com

The flashing cursor on the blank note page of my Evernote app tells it all.  Everyone in the room seems to be typing their answer.  Or writing it in their moleskin.  And all I can do is stare.  Stare at this flashing cursor.  There is nothing in my mind but the sense of frustration in the reality that I can’t seem to think of the word to type.  I think that every person in the room is peering over my shoulder trying to peek at my response; yet, I doubt anyone would even glance.

“What one, single word describes who you are”?

It was a classic, strategic move by Randy Elrod to get things moving in his keynote address to us attendees of the re:create conference.  I’ve spent time being mentored by Randy – and I’ve come to expect him to fire off a question or two that opens my mind, strips my defenses, and leaves me in a helpless, vulnerable state of mind. That’s why I love being around this man of mystery.

To make it worse, we progress through a series of “yes/no” questions – something I always hate because I tend to be a guy who runs from “absolutes”.  Nearly every question left me thinking “well, maybe yes … but in this case, no … um, I’m really not sure”.

Woe is me.  I have no clue who I am.

As the room began to be energized by all the “aha” moments – people breathing deep, healing sighs of relief that they finally “got it”, that they “understand” why they are how they are … I seemed to sink deeper into my chair.

The truth?

I should know better.  If I have been told once, I’ve been told a thousand times.  I’m a mixed up blend of a creative artist who somehow got fused with the DNA of an entrepreneurial mind.  I exhibit cognitive empathy as an executive yet can be moved to tears through a beautiful film score or oratorio.  I command a work force, build, buy, and sell a businesses – yet, the sting of disapproval or even worse, lack of affirmation, can push me into an abyss of withdrawal for days at a time.

I am a walking dichotomy.  I either need serious counseling or I need to embrace the reality that God made me that way.  Deep down where truth rings and affirms with a peace that is matchless to anything else, I know the latter is where my reasoning must rest.

As for my time at re:create and specifically, Randy’s talk?
As uncomfortable as it made me – I can’t say “thank you” enough.  Once again, you cracked open my hard head and gave me another year’s worth of questions to ponder and prayers to pray.  (you can pickup the DVD of his talk along with all the others at the re:create website)

So where does that leave me?

I am God’s creation. But that doesn’t make it easy to figure things out.  The truth is, it can be quite lonely.  After all, just who is this guy anyway?